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Male Masturbation: The Masturbation (Jack)
Report 11
By Dan Ross
In this installment of The Male Masturbation Report, Dan sticks
his penis into the masturbation MOR, a jerk device that was
originally featured in SCORELAND
way back in October,1994, but never actually reviewed. Until
now.
Most guys love toys, but when
it comes to male masturbation, girls get all the gadgets. Dildos,
vibrators, anal beads…technology has taken good care of women
who crave an artificial substitute for cock, but so far it has
fallen short in creating the perfect for-men equivalent of a
real pussy, ass and mouth. Of course, for most of us, that's
okay. After all, we have our hands. But wouldn't life be great
if a toy could do for men what a dildo does for female masturbation?
In this spirit of self-satisfaction,
MOR Enterprises came up with the sex toy that's supposed to
be the answer to dildo envy: the Motorized Orgasmic Release
(MOR) Machine. It's a hands-free, electronic masturbation device
designed to duplicate the act of fucking or getting a blow job,
and, at a retail price of $895, it's the gadget for the man
who has everything. Except a girlfriend.
The device, which looks like a
white plastic carrying case (it's the size of an overnight suitcase),
comes with all of the accessories necessary for solo pleasure:
soft, transparent silicone sleeves in which to slide your cock,
plastic tubing, a suction device and a clear plastic bell sheath.
The MOR can be plugged into any standard outlet and, at 10 pounds,
it's reasonably transportable.
But is the MOR all it's cracked up to be? According to the product
literature, "Motorized Orgasmic Release is a truly unique high-tech
health device for the new millennium, providing men with the
potential of achieving sexual satisfaction at the flip of a
switch." Great, right? Well, I wish I could say the MOR sucks.
Unfortunately, it's somewhat of an $895 cock tease.
I tried the MOR for the first time on a lonely, dateless
night. My cock wanted action. I was ready to cum. I unpacked
the box, anticipating the dawn of a new era in my auto-sexual
life.
Getting the machine ready for
use was reasonably easy. I inserted the clear plastic tube into
the ring at the end of a short steel arm, fitted the FDA-approved
plastic bell sheath over the open end of the tubing and into
the ring, cuffed two silicone sleeves over the bell (the sleeves
come in various shapes; mouth, pussy and ass and various sizes)
and pulled the suction ball off the open end of the plastic
tubing.
Then things got messy.
Using the device requires lubing
the insides of the silicone sleeves. You can use hand lotion
or any other water soluble solution. I eventually tried all
three, but started with a lubricant produced by Wet International.
Lubricating the sleeves was a
sensory pleasure: I felt like I was fingering a very wet pussy
and, when I turned it on, I particularly enjoyed the erotic
slurping noise the machine made. It gave me an instant hard-on.
It didn't last long.
Next, following the printed directions
to "liberally lubricate your member," I generously greased up
my cock and prepared to enter the MOR. Masturbation bells.
Well, according to the instructions,
you don't have to be hard to enter the sleeve. That's bullshit.
I found that keeping my soft cock snugly inside the sleeve was
nearly impossible, especially with all of that lube. But the
next instruction concerned me: "Squeeze the suction ball and
slip it back on the coupling at the end of the plastic tubing."
I glanced at my hands. They were covered with Wet.
Maybe I'm totally uncoordinated,
but the ball kept slipping out of my hand, and I had to force
it onto the tubing, and everything kept sliding, and meanwhile,
my hard-on had turned into something like a greased eel and
had fallen out of the sleeve and… Fuck, what ever happened to
good ol' fashioned grabbing and jerking?
So I worked to regain my hard-on, stuffed it back into the sleeve
and grabbed a towel. I wiped the lube off the ball, squeezed
it and finally forced it onto the tube. When I released the
ball, I was supposed to feel suction around my cock, something
like Monica you-know-who giving me a blow job, and the suction
was supposed to keep me snug in the sleeve, but I felt only
a little bit of suction, certainly nothing like a real, live
mouth. Not Monica's mouth.
But I was not going to be deterred from my assigned task of
jerking off hands-free. I turned on the speed control slow,
at first, leaned back and let the sleeve work its way back and
forth over my semi-hard member. I turned up the speed little
by little, and the sleeve moved faster over my dick. That's
when I ran into another annoying problem: goddamned noise.
As we all know, a noisy flesh-and-blood
woman can be a problem in the sack.
Imagine getting a blow job from
your significant other when she stops, looks up and whines,
"Honey, can we go shopping after this?"
Of course, MOR doesn't talk. But
it does make a constant whirring noise that was awfully distracting
when I was trying to fantasize about Christy, the blonde clerk
at the book store whose big tits were bursting out of her tight,
red top. So, I was thinking about grabbing her tits-Whirrr!
Whirrr!-and sucking her nipples
into my mouth-Whirrr! Whirr! Whirr!-and clutching her fleshy
ass while the top of her G-string peaked out from above her
jeans-Whirrr! Whirrr! Whirr! Whirr!-but something just wasn't
happening.
My no-longer-hard cock had flopped
out of the sleeve again.
Performance anxiety? With a machine?
Ugh, the humanity!
But I refused to give up. I kept
telling myself, "I am going to cum." I re-greased the sleeve,
re-greased my cock, got it hard again, stuck it back into the
sleeve, turned it back on-Whirrr! Whirrr!-and got the big-titted
clerk back into my mind. My eyes were closed, I was concentrating
really hard, I wanted to cum. I conjured up a beautiful mental
picture of fucking her doggie style in the stock room, ramming
my cock into her tight, wet cunt as she moaned and groaned and
pushed back against me. Now I was rock hard for the first time,
MOR felt good and I was thinking, "I just might cum."
And I did. After 15 minutes and
eight more re-insertions. After going through about half a container
of Wet. After telling myself that I had to cum because I wanted
to be able to report to the readers how it felt to cum inside
the MOR machine. Hey, give the damn machine credit. At that
point, the majority of women would have been on the phone to
their mothers. By that time, the imagery of fucking the sexy
Christy had long been driven from my mind and I'd run right
out of fantasies.
Sadly, the eventual orgasm didn't
feel so good. As any experienced masturbator knows, at the point
of orgasm, we squeeze our dicks harder. But the MOR doesn't
know you're cumming, so it doesn't know to squeeze harder.
It just keeps doing what it was
doing all along: Whirring. When it was all over, I was left
with a very unsatisfying orgasm and a silicone sleeve full of
goo (which, of course, I had to clean).
My subsequent experiences with
the MOR maturbation weren't any better. I used it standing up,
sitting down and lying on my side. I tried all of the different
silicone sleeves. But there was never a time when I thought,
"I'd rather be doing this than jacking with my hand." Finally,
after the seventh time, a particularly unsatisfying experience
in my living room while watching one of my favorite videos,
Zuzanna's
Anal Adventures, which could probably make a wooden Indian
cum, I turned off the masturbation MOR, pulled out my cock,
jumped into the shower, grabbed a bar of soap and jacked the
old-fashioned way. Christy, the shop clerk, and I had a most
satisfying imaginary fuck, I can tell you.
Bottom line: Will the MOR get
you off? Yes. Eventually. But your hand and a Victoria's Secret
catalog would do it quicker and with a lot less hassle and a
helluva lot less mess.
So, has masturbation MOR Enterprises
come up with the perfect sex toy for men? Absolutely not.
Does MOR have any real practical
male masturbation use? Yes.
At the very least, it's a nifty
conversation piece. I'm not sure I'd place it on the cocktail
table, but maybe you'll find a use for it at your next orgy.
The photos illustrating this Masturbation Report shows Madison
using the MOR on her patient (November
2002 SCORELAND Magazine )
Editor's note: The MOR company objected to Dan's Male Masturbation
Report and mailed the following letter. (Male Masturbation Report
is equivalent to Jack Report).
I don't understand why you reviewed
last year's model of the Motorized Orgasmic Release in the Masturbation
Report and not the current model which is being sold all over
the world. You complained about the lack of suction. That is
exactly what was replaced on our new model. I assure you it
will suck your brains out and you won't care about the whirring
noise the machine makes. I spoke to previous SCORE Editor Mike
about our new suction device. We originally sent the machine
to SCORE in October '00. Mike asked that we send the suction
device to Elliot James. We did. We also sent along the new Futurotic
skin-soft sleeves we now furnish when we sell the MOR. I was
told the machine and the new suction device and sleeves would
be passed along to whomever was going to review it. Obviously,
this was not done. It's unfair not to inform readers of this
error. MOR has countless loyal, enthusiastic users and remains
the best electrically-powered male masturbation device available.
At least you put our website at the end of the review so people
can have another P.O.V. one which is much more accurate.-Julian
Simmons, VP Sales, MOR Enterprises, Inc.
The male masturbation machine, the new suction device and the
sleeves were indeed passed along to reviewer Dan Ross. Mr. Ross
used them - not the old suction device and sleeves - for his
evaluation of the MOR Machine. No error was made and Dan stands
by his review.
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